Romney Hand-Feeds Eggs to Washington Insider in Satirical Sketch

Mitt Romney wakes up to the sound of bills being thrown at his window in a new satirical piece published today. The narrator, a Washington insider, answers the phone and demands that the legislation include more carcinogens. He then accepts a breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, which Romney prepares and feeds to him by hand. The two have not discussed why this routine occurs every morning.

The insider changes into a fresh suit and tie, leaving the ones he slept in behind. He steps outside to crisp air where the Lincoln Memorial offers a thumbs-up to him before returning to normal behavior for a passing tourist. He texts his friend, the Coal Lobby, to ask if they should play outside. The Coal Lobby replies that he must be at the Capitol today, adding a sad emoji. The insider cries.

During a jog, a journalist calls the insider, who serves as an anonymous source. He tells the reporter that the government has the flu. He finishes his run and keeps his sweaty suit on. He visits the C.I.A. to ask how spying is going. The agency reports that things are good and mentions that a target is watching the show Widow’s Bay. The insider says he is too busy to watch, and the C.I.A. notes that it is hard to keep up with the number of available shows.

Hungry, the insider goes to a diner staffed solely by Chuck Grassley. Grassley asks if he wants the usual, and they high-five. Later, the Coal Lobby texts to say he is free because Verizon is on duty at the Capitol today. They go jump rope, and the insider removes his clothes completely.

Thirsty, he enters a dive bar with a long, complicated name. The bartender offers his suit and tie to the naked insider, who accepts. On the television, a gun gives an important speech to an audience of other guns. The insider stands and applauds. He leaves the bar and comments on the city’s columns and archways, comparing them to ancient Rome. He calls the Coal Lobby to suggest watching Gladiator, but the Coal Lobby has to ask his mom for permission because the film is rated R. The insider says to forget it, remembering a previous time his mom said no to a forest wander.

A bird flies past and drops a secret note on the insider. It instructs him to meet at a location where rich people gather in masks and robes. When he arrives, the group is playing Scrabble. The insider finds this a bit disappointing. He goes home, puts on a new suit and tie, and gets into bed. The journalist from earlier calls to ask if the government still has the flu. The insider confirms that it does.